I thought it had been longer since I last wrote here. I feel like I’ve sat down a hundred times and started to type. But I see it’s been less than a week. Funny.
I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed in my professional life lately. And rather underwhelmed in my personal life. I’ve been processing so much. I’ve had so much to say. But I come home at night and discover that I just can’t deal with it. That I’d rather just tune out for a while. Shoving my problems under the proverbial rug.
I had a little mini heart to heart with a good friend on Friday. We’d both had one of those weeks. She said some stuff that hit home. Nothing I hadn’t told myself already, but hearing it from someone else always feels different.
I’m not happy. I won’t go so far as to say that I am unhappy. But there are definitely things about my life that are not what I want them to be. But there are things that are simply beyond my control. And truthfully, even if they were in my control, I don’t entirely know what I would change.
PF and I have hit a rough patch. Or what feels like a rough patch to me. I’m so out of practice at relationships that I don’t quite know how to deal with it. I can’t remember the last time I had an issue with someone and truly worked through it. Clearly LH and I weren’t good at that. Aaron and I tended to scratch the surface a little and then just ignore things. Or, I would talk and he would ignore.
I feel helpless and I feel lost. I want to fix things but don’t know how. I don’t know which part is the part that needs fixing. I know that I love him. Academically I know that relationships take work and that life has its own system of cycles. I’m officially throwing my hands up on this one. Trusting and hoping like hell that things will sort themselves out.
But it has me feeling much more lost than I’d like to admit.
So.
The only thing I know to do is to take charge of what I can. To do the things that make me happy. Because at the end of the day I am the only one responsible for my happiness.
I miss singing. So I bit the bullet and sent an email that I was asked to send 10 months ago. Requesting an audition for a chorus conducted by a friend and colleague. It’s much smaller than the group I used to sing with and it’s composed primarily of current or former professional musicians and music educators. That’s much more my speed. So we’ll see how that goes.
I cleaned my apartment. Really cleaned. There was bleach involved. And I cleaned out my closet. I have a huge bag of stuff to take to Goodwill. I reorganized what was left. I couldn’t help but snicker a little as all of my black tie gowns and cocktail dresses wound up hanging next to all of my latex and other fetish wear.
I went online and signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture) service. Yes PF, you may tease me and call me Californian. I’ll remind you that I’ve been shipping pecans from my hometown ever since leaving there. The CSA box is to serve two purposes. I’m trying to get serious about getting healthy again and part of that is introducing more produce. I could start hitting up the many farmer’s markets but I’m hoping having a box delivered to me will force me out of my culinary rut. And as a chef, I’m looking forward to the challenge of getting outside my box a little as well as increasing awareness of seasonal ingredients.
As for work, I’m just clicking along there. I’m past some big deadlines so I feel breathing room again. My new direct report is coming along exactly as I’d hoped. Better even. It occurred to me that there was the transitional period between my predecessor leaving and a replacement being hired that I did both jobs for 4 and a half months. Then I hired someone who never really caught on and I was still carrying some of that workload. Then her disciplinary action started. And now, finally, after 23 months of carrying all or part of that workload on top of my own, I’m finally seeing the light of having it all handed off to someone else. Which means doing only my own job. Now, my own job is still enough that it could be split into two full-time positions, but still. The load is finally finally lifting.
I could wax on about how life is what we make it and how many things in my life are really something to be proud of, but I’m not there. Not now. Not yet. Where I am is that I’m only one person. And there’s only so much I can do. So I’m going to do the things that make me happy and I’m going to do the best that I can and I’m going to focus on the things that make sense.
And the rest, will either work out or it won’t.
