arm’s length
At my core I’m a hopeless romantic. I love a good love story. The idea that love can conquer all. But I’ve been hurt so much because of that little 4 letter word. I’ve experienced monumental betrayal from the person who stood before God and everyone we knew and promised to love me forever. Betrayal so monumental that a year later I’m still finding out things that he did.
My best friend hurt me deeply. Twice. The first person I fell in love with after the divorce hurt me. And let’s face it, one of the most important things to me is my independence. So I’m finding myself in the pattern of being drawn to people that seem safe. Long distance relationships created on-line. Genuine, but with built in barriers. That prevent me from getting too close.
And that’s ok with me right now. Keeping everyone at arm’s length. It doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt. I know there’s nothing you can do to keep from getting hurt. What it does is keep me from becoming vulnerable to the kind of pain that I’ve experienced in the past. SB (who is both minister and therapist) says that this is ok. That I shouldn’t get hung up on a Rockwellian version of what a relationship should be. That as long as I’m happy with my arrangements, that its all ok.
I just wonder. Is this how I’m going to be always? Always seeking out the “safe”option? Will this always be ok with me? How will I know if and when I’m ready for something more? If I do know, will I be able to let go or am I scarred beyond the point of truly opening myself up to someone?
Sunday, 28 January 28 2007 at 22:39
Hmm. I feel your pain. Been there done that and refused to let it keep me there…
Time to pull up your socks and ‘date yourself’ for awhile. Be gentle, be loving, and most important–be patient. Find out who you are again–not who you think Mr. Wonderful wants to meet. I have found that when your self-confidence is up, your smile and the spring in your step returns, and suddenly you will get noticed again. You’ll see. Until you’ve finished the self-care stuff, you really can’t expect to meet the ‘good’ ones.
Try this. Smile at everyone who makes eye contact with you today–man or woman. You might feel a bit strange at first, but smiling is infectious, and you can’t feel bad when you’re smiling. Trust me!