needs

Asking for what I need is the one of the hardest things in the world  for me to do. I could posit a reason why, but it wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already written. Anyone who’s spent any time on this blog knows why. Let’s just leave it there. It’s hard. It plays right into all my trust issues.

So often I find myself taking the passive aggressive approach. Or trying to lead by example. I’ll do the things I want you to do. Thinking that you’ll see, and recognize, and mirror. And I’ll have gotten what I want without having to actually verbalize the request. But when that doesn’t happen I get defensive. I shut down. I brush things off as though they don’t matter, even when they really do.

I’m still so fragile sometimes. The slightest comment can set something off. It happened tonight. A conversation that started out innocuous enough, but took a swift turn. A conversation wherein I was told I wasn’t being clear enough. About what I want and need. A statement that frustrated me. Because I feel like I’ve been more than clear. But have I? Maybe I haven’t. In the moment I actually had the words “just never mind, forget I asked” typed out onto my blackberry.

But I couldn’t press send.

Because I don’t want to be that person. The person who can’t say what she wants. Who lives in fear of asking her partners to meet her needs. I’ve been in this place before. This place is not new. The place where I want to change. But things are different these days. For the first time in a very, very long time, maybe ever, there is someone in my life who makes me feel safe enough to just say it. To say, this is what I want, what I need.

And that’s what I did. Ultimately. In a flood of words that may not have made much sense and may have contradicted things I’ve said before and stopped as soon as they started.

I am not easy to love. I test people, even without meaning to. I push and pull until I see where the breaking points are. All the while waiting for the day that you leave, knowing that it’s inevitable. Even in my closest relationships there are walls that stand so tall and are set so deep into the ground that they just won’t go anywhere.

But he seems to be finding ways over and around those walls. He’s not promising me happily ever after. A lifetime of moonlight and roses. He’s not promising forever. Promises I wouldn’t believe anyway. Instead he’s looking directly at me and saying, “you and I are going to hurt each other. There will be missteps. But I’m signing up for the pissiness and the grumpiness of it all. You’re safe. Don’t push me away. Be cautious if you like, but I’m here for the long ride.”

I can scroll through saved text after saved text from him that all say the same thing. I’m not going anywhere. And although I still don’t quite trust it, although it still feels a bit like a dream, there is also something about it, about him, that feels like I’ve finally come home. Because I keep inching closer and closer to the edge of that wall. To the edge of that comfort zone. Afraid that this will be the time when it’s too far. When it’s too much. But he has been there every time. Always with the same words. You need not worry about me. I’m not going anywhere.

~~~~~

“Everything”

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected.
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen
And you’ve never met anyone
Who’s as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I’m terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I’m the funniest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the dullest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I’m ashamed (of which I’m ashamed)
There’s not anything (there’s not anything) to which you can’t relate (to which you can’t relate)
And you’re still here

(You see everything, you see every part)
And you’re still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you’re still here
(You dig everything of which I’m ashamed)
(There’s not anything to which you can’t relate)
And you’re still here…