Protected: things left unsaid

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Protected: tmi

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helpless

The thing I hate most in this world is feeling helpless. I feel that way now. Because PF is hurting and I can’t be there. I can’t be there to hold him. I can’t be there for him to cry on my shoulder. I can’t distract him with a movie and popcorn. I can’t offer any sort of counsel.

It breaks my heart.

Protected: the other job

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birthday plans

Birthdays are a big deal for me.

Last year there was a series of celebrations. Super fancy dinner with Aaron, small quiet lunch with two friends, and a large party at a piano bar where we drank and drank and drank and then found chicken and waffles in the middle of the night.

The year before that I flew SB out to the bay. We took in a screening at the LGBT film festival (my birthday falls in pride month so there’s always something wonderfully gay to do), there was a big sushi dinner with my friends, and then there was bar hopping.

The year before that, I was in Rochester. The theater bought me a cake and through careful portioning I was able to bring most of it home. My most favorite roommate and I got stoned, sat crosslegged on the kitchen table, and dug in with a couple of forks. As more of our housemates trickled in, beers were opened, more forks were brandished and an impromptu party developed. It was the only time our entire house socialized together.

You get the point. I like to make an event out of my birthday. Even if it’s a low key event.

This year, I am wholly uninspired. My friends are like me. We all have a zillion things on our calendars. Trying to find a weekend when we’re all free is impossible. My birthday falls on a Tuesday so it puts a little damper on any evening activities on the actual day.

We talked about going to a firing range. Something we’ve been wanting to do anyway. I figured, why the hell not make it a birthday thing. But it didn’t feel right. I racked my brain for restaurants and clubs that felt right. But nothing was clicking.

Really the only birthday plan I’m excited about is a trip to TX. PF has asked to spend time with me and we picked dates that fall just after my birthday so he’s promised birthday dinner. I’m excited about that. But even though we’ve got dates and we’re talking about plans, part of me won’t believe it’s really happening until I have a plane ticket in my hot little hands. Or you know, in this age, a confirmation number in my email. So I’m trying not to think about that too much, not wanting to jinx things or let myself get disappointed.

Which brings me back to the local plans. And how nothing was clicking. I almost abandoned birthday planning entirely. But a little voice in my head told me I’d regret that later. And the little voice is right. So this weekend I finally created an event on Facebook and invited the in-crowd. The loose plan is to truck out to the east on the day after my bday, have BBQ at the best BBQ place I’ve found out here (but it’s CA so you know, lacking) and then head to this crazy little bar with the cheesiest lounge singer you can imagine. Who is also fucking amazing.

I have no idea who all will show up. Doesn’t matter. Glory of the BBQ place is you order at a counter and find your own table. Folks can come and go. Bars? Always ripe for coming and going. My two closest friends will be there. There are a lot of folks who will miss it because of one production or another. But that’s OK.

One of my friends is having a solstice party a few days after the bday. He asked if it would be OK for him to make a cake and give it to me at the party. I’ll know people there, but I won’t know everyone. But it’s sweet of him to think of it and of course I said yes.

Then last night a friend emailed and asked about scheduling birthday lunch. Our plans are fairly loose as well. She might end up in Tahoe that week, but right now we have something tentatively scheduled for my actual birthday. Because it would be a shame not to do ANYTHING on the actual day.

So there you go. There are some plans. I just don’t have my heart in it this year.